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Note: It is possible that you may feel anxious as you reflect on potential disclosure scenarios or reactions. You may want to complete this section with the support of a trusted person and/or seek additional Support Resources if you feel distressed at any point.
Being prepared with responses
Being prepared with responses
Even after carefully identifying and gauging how safe someone might be, things can go in ways that you did not expect or want. Below, we provide some examples of how people might react to your disclosure and how you could respond to them.
🙂 Neutral/positive reactions
🙂 Neutral/positive reactions
Sincere interest and curiosity
"I don't know much about autism. Can you tell me more?"
Understanding and validation
"I see, now I understand why having a fixed routine is so important to you."
Acceptance and connection
"I'm really glad that you felt comfortable sharing with me and I got to know more about you."
Support or matter-of-fact acknowledgement
"Thank you for telling me. What can I do to support you?"
🙁 Negative/stigmatising reactions
🙁 Negative/stigmatising reactions
Disbelief or dismissal
“You don’t look autistic!” / “We’re all a little bit autistic.”
Assumptions or stereotypes
“So you’re like Rain Man?” / “What is your special ability?”
Judgement or blame.
“Maybe you just need to try harder to fit in.”
Pity or condescension
"I'm so sorry. That must be really difficult for you."
Consider these tips when deciding what to say in response to a negative or stigmatising reaction:
Calmly correct any false assumptions by providing some factual information and/or explanation of your circumstances.
Restate the reason you chose to share that you are autistic.
If you think this person might change their perspective and you want to “leave the door open”, end your responses with an invitation to talk more at a later time.
If you want to look at how to apply these tips in detail, read the two scenarios below.
Scenario 1: Sharing with your supervisor at work
Scenario 1: Sharing with your supervisor at work
You: “I wanted to share with you that I am autistic. I’m hoping that we can make some adjustments to help me do my work better. I think having a flexible working schedule and moving my workstation to a quieter area in the office would really help me to focus and be more productive in my role.”
Supervisor: “I don’t quite like that idea. I think it would damage team spirit, since you’d be working different hours from everyone else and your desk would be isolated. Besides, your work has been fine. I don’t see any problems, so surely autism can’t be affecting you that much? I’ve seen autistic people before, and you’re not like them.
How you may respond:
Calmly correct any false assumptions by providing some factual information and/or explanation of your circumstances.
“I understand your concerns, but I will still be working in the office most of the time, and I will attend all team meetings and discussions as usual. Although it may look like I have been coping well, I’m actually prone to experiencing sensory overload. It’s quite overwhelming and exhausting for me to keep up with the current working practices.”
Restate the reason you chose to share with them that you are autistic.
“I chose to share with you that I am autistic because under the Equality Act*, disability is a protected characteristic and autism is considered a disability. I understand that this gives me a right to reasonable adjustments in the workplace. I believe these adjustments I have suggested are reasonable and would really help me to do my best work here in the long run.”
If you think this person might change their perspective and you want to leave the “door open,” end your response with an invitation to talk more at a later time.
“I hope that you will reconsider my request. If there is any other information that you need from me, please let me know. I am happy to discuss how we can make these adjustments without affecting teamwork in the office.”
*Note: The Equality Act 2010 only places a legal duty on employers to make reasonable adjustments if they know (or could be expected to know) that you are disabled, and if you’re placed at a substantial disadvantage because of your disability compared with people who don't share your disability. In order to activate this legal duty, a certain level of disclosure and explanation on your part may be required. See more information on your Legal Rights
Scenario 2: Sharing with someone you're dating
Scenario 2: Sharing with someone you're dating
You: “Since we’ve been seeing each other for a bit, I wanted to tell you that I am autistic. You might have noticed that knowing what to expect is really important to me, which is why I ask a lot of questions when we make plans. I also can get really focused on my work and hobbies, so I don’t always respond to calls or messages immediately, but I always do eventually. There might be other differences and I hope we can work through them if they come up.”
Date: “Oh, huh, I’ve never dated an autistic person before. Doesn’t that mean you don’t really interact with people? I thought autistic people were not interested in relationships and preferred to be alone.”
How you may respond:
Calmly correct any false assumptions by providing some factual information and/or explanation of your circumstances.
“Yeah, those are stereotypes about autism that aren’t really true. I’m very close to my friends and I am looking for a serious relationship, though finding the right person takes time.”
Restate the reason you chose to share with them that you are autistic.
“Autism is a big part of who I am, so it’s important to me that the person I date knows and accepts me.”
If you want to leave the “door open,” end your response with an invitation to talk more at a later time. Set boundaries if you need to.
“If you have any questions about what autism means for me, I’m happy to answer them. There are a lot of negative stereotypes about autism that can be hurtful to hear, so I hope it’s okay if I point these out if they come up, or shut down the conversation if I need to. I really like spending time together, and I hope we can continue to do that.”
Worksheet 7: Being prepared with responses
Worksheet 7: Being prepared with responses
Preparing responses in advance can help you to feel more confident about handling different reactions. This final worksheet will help you to plan how you might respond to people's reactions. The completed worksheet example includes suggested responses to common reactions that you can adapt using your own words.
Important: Don't overwhelm yourself by imagining every worst-case scenario. Think of positive scenarios too, and remember that you don't always have to respond on the spot. You can delay or end conversations that feel unsafe or unproductive. You may also want to discuss your disclosure plan with someone you trust, so they can help you to think of effective responses or be ready to support you if disclosure doesn't go well. If you need further help, please visit the page on Support Resources.
Click on the embedded worksheet (or the ↗️ button for computers/laptops).
Fill it in by making a copy to your Google Drive or downloading it onto your device.
Ways to manage during a challenging disclosure conversation:
Take a deep breath and allow yourself time to process and formulate your response to any hurtful or unhelpful reaction.
Be kind to yourself by using positive self-talk (remember what you learnt about reframing negative self-beliefs).
Walk away. Delay your response until you are ready or do not respond at all.
Remember that the person may be having a difficult time understanding your experience if they have not had a similar experience.
Allow yourself to make mistakes in deciding who you should share with. When you feel ready, review what went well, what didn’t, and use what you learned in future disclosure opportunities.
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